Conversation with Didi, my Sex Guru

An elder Plato walks alongside Aristotle, detail from The School of Athens, by Raphael, 1509-1511

Over lunch and a few jalapeño burgers me and Didi discussed men, erections, impotence and what it means to be straight. Or gay for that matter.
Didi very generously offered her advice, shared her experience and told me what she thinks is the best way to "handle" men.
Didi lives in an agro-industrial area outside Cairo. One associated with the great reforms done under the reign of Mohammed Ali (1805-1848). And the irrigation schemes and projects he did are still present to this day and are considered part of the monarchical legacy.

Didi’s area of expertise is police/military officers. She knew them inside out, like the back of her supple hands. And she was not ashamed to admit it. She loved her army men.
And they loved her back!
And I loved her for it.

Didi who combines emotional aloofness with vulgar sensuality along with an affected disposition had a lot to say about men. And I was more than happy to listen.

Me: So, Didi, tell me about your latest adventure
Didi: Well, you know this hot, engaged (I force Didi to classify men according to their martial status), we met the other day, he went down on me again, and climaxed right then and there!
Me: Are you serious??
Didi: I swear! I was so disappointed!
Me: Did you guys go the whole "nine yards"?
Didi: I wish! He suffers from premature ejaculation.
Me: Are you sure?
Didi: With all that shit they smoke up, of course he does!
Me: Tell me more.. In your opinion why would gay guys smoke up? I thought it was a straight thing
Didi: Because it’s a way of socializing. And even queens do it.
Me: How most unbecoming of a queen!
Didi: The tragedy you would go to bed with this hot guy, and he can’t get it up!! And when it does get up, it ain’t that hard!
Me: Didi, this sounds terrible, as it sounds gross
Didi: I know, this is why I go for young guys and you all call me a cradle robber all you like. They are still young and fresh and although they too smoke up, they still have it up and running!
Me: Didi –

Didi: (out of nowhere) And it’s a lying bitch who claims that size does not matter!
Me: Didi, no one can make that claim!
Didi: This other time when I slept with this officer, he was good but he had a small penis, this ruined it for me!
Me: That’s what I believe: if it ain’t big, don’t try it!
Didi: (nodding in agreement) size does matter.
Me: But wouldn’t you think that perhaps all this erectile dysfunctions are caused by psychological conflict? Like these guys are straight and are having hard time adjusting to the fact that they are having sex with other men?
Didi: No need to philosophize it! These men already slept with a number of other men. Their “conflicts” should be resolved by now! I am no psychiatrist. They get their shit sorted first, then sleep around!
Me: that’s my girl!
Didi: (laughing hysterically)
Me:But then again, with you Didi, all men are gay!
Didi: This is just your spiteful nature! Since you can't get any you take it out on me! Boy, what sexual frustration can do to a queen!
Me: Didi!!
Didi: Ah, its true!
Me: I am not sexually frustrated I choose to be "judicious" in my "liaisons"!
Didi: Whatever!
Me: Yes, I don't sleep with every officer and minor in town!
Didi: Then you don't know what you are missing!
Me: Promiscuity can get you so far!
Didi: Exactly, whose the sex guru now?
Me: I give up!

Thus spoke Didi, and this was the conclusion of our conversation. Didi is taking legal action against me. I was warned to call my lawyer. But I am telling Didi right now, bring it on!