Sympathy fuck?

I never thought that I would actually use this term myself. Not in a million years. But its so funny how Karma bounces back in strange ways.
The term, which one of my darling friends used once and which I thought was intolerably cruel, feels just like "mercy killing" for terminally ill patients. With the difference is that there is an element of dignity and something almost noble about "mercy killing".
But there is no dignity or anything ennobling about a sympathy fuck. No. I can't see it.
I have engaged in intimate acts with a number of quite physically unattractive gentlemen for the reason I felt that there was something very human about them, something about their suffering and distorted body image that appealed to me. But everyone argued with me that you don't give sex as a consolation.
Why not?
Thats my answer all the time. Why not?
In real life, most of the time, you give sex as a consolation. As a distraction. As a comfort.
Especially if you are in a long term relationship.
But even if you are not. Pleasure is not given just in one context. And it would be wrong, entirely wrong, to perceive it and process it from such a linear point of view.
I almost thought of it as a good deed actually. Borderline something charitable.
And yes, no matter how condescending this must sound, I felt that all people deserve to experience pleasure, and the fact that I was trying to be part of this experience, I felt was something morally significant.
Too much for the sixties "free love"...
But you don't play God and tamper with people's bodies and emotions and expect to run free.. who made you judge? And who said that sex really can be regarded as a form of expression for human sympathy? What most people, myself included, fail to understand is that sex does not take place in vacuum and it definitely does not happen without psychological consequences. Serious, devastating psychological consequences. And as I said before we have the sixties to prove it.

"Free love" just does not work.

If you truly have no feelings for someone then you should not engage in acts of intimacy just because you want to be sympathetic. There are other ways to do this. But to choose the ultimate expression for relatedness and expect not to be burnt by fire at some point then you
are up for a big surprise.

And that exactly is the surprise I was up to. I was the subject of sex as an expression of "sympathy".

As I write these words now, I realize how terribly wrong it sounds. How terribly wrong it sounds if you have no deep attachment, and have no intention of forming one, developing one for the person you are being intimate with...

Terribly wrong.

And good intentions in this context will only lead you to "hell". The hell of the tongues that lie... and the hell of misplaced charitable deed.. !

After a series of psychotic dating, I longed for something that is regular, average, had no strange turns or emotional twists. Something almost flat if you ask me..

And as usual I turned for the enchanted magical realm of cyberspace. This space that gives unprecedented freedom for people, it gives people room to re-create their lives and identities.

No other context, no other space allows this much for manipulation. From the color of your skin to your martial status.You can be wholly and entirely a fictitious construct. Only existing in one dimension, in one perspective. Outside which you don't exist. You are entirely a different
person. You are a completely transformed into another entity! Almost.. !!

And my gentleman caller this time, was of good breeding, a real gentleman, sound mind and such a sweet and moderate disposition making it very hard not to like him. Not to develop a benign esteem, if you may.

And I did dear reader. I did.

And was ever so content that I finally would go out on a "date", with someone who was not psychologically challenged one way or another. And despite our marked difference begining with age and appearance, not to mention interests and beliefs, I really opened up and made myself open to enjoy this "peaceful" experience.

Yes, I say "peaceful".

For once I don't have to worry about the neurosis of going out with an "interesting" date who has to have a serious emotional and mental baggage which he drags all the way behind me.

Or its a nice change to go out with someone who is not engaged to be married, not married and not involved in a serious relationship with someone else!

Or at least thats what I thought.

I keep asking myself, blaming myself, should I have asked him from the very start? Should I have made it very clear, that I am not looking for "friends" anymore?I have no idea why I did not double check.. I remember reading on his profile that he was single.

And he never mentioned it once. Not by mistake.

Again. Good God.. !!

Fate has it that we meet by coincidence, and I take the first move, initiate, I made myself clear that I actually like him, and he in return reaffirmed, telling me call me tomorrow, and lets go out. And we do, and then he asks me to come see his place, which aside from being an interesting designed space, is his "personal abode", I take the cue and assume that he is interested beyond friendship.

Now, I had no intention to pursue it more than a short-termed, quiet affair.

Which brings to mind, is that also wrong? Setting a specific context and time line for an affair?
But really I just thought he is a nice guy, that I would love to hang out with for a while and thats it. Nothing more came to my mind, because whatever excitement, whatever psychotic pleasures I derive, I experienced with others, were completely absent in his presence. He was calm and he made me feel grounded in a way. I liked that. I enjoyed that. I could easily say it.. And I did look forward to that...But no, I go to his place, we talk till the cows come home, then on the way out, I ask to kiss him. And ever the gentleman, he obliges me.

Out of sympathy.

Out of charity.

Out of kindness (maybe ?)

And I have to say I enjoyed kissing him. He is sweet. And I needed to be contained, I knew that. I needed to feel encircled by human flesh. To feel flesh against my skin. To feel centered, grounded perhaps?

Oh, but fate had another plan for me.

The very same day, he had a dinner party, invited common friends, and I was "uninvited".

That is always a bad sign.

Terribly bad sign.

And I knew something was wrong. Two days pass, I hear nothing from him. And I know he is leaving very soon, and yet he does not answer my messages.

Till we meet in cyberspace once more.

And the freedom to be, to be someone else, to be whomever you like is there. And he declares his true intentions.

"I am sorry if I led you to believe that there is something going on. I just would hate to think that just because we kissed it means that there is something. The truth is I have a boyfriend (somewhere in this wide world) and we have been together for four years". Close quote.

Four years, and you never mention him once?? Not once! For the love of God! Not even by mistake. He only comes out, this long hidden boyfriend, when I expect something.

When I look forward to something.

This is when they all come out. All these wonderful boyfriends, who have been there ever since Noah built the ark.

And I have to face the fact, again, that I got involved, even if superficially and for a split of a second, with someone who is already involved with someone else.

Again.

Tables turned, and someone had to come up with an excuse to end my "aspiration" for a sympathy fuck that I even didn't get!!!