Jolene

My beauty is not beyond compare nor do I have flaming locks of auburn hair, but I don't want to be Jolene.

I don't like being the 'other woman'. I despise the 'other woman'. I denounce the 'other woman'. And it seems that everything around me is driving me into being the 'other woman'.

The one you sleep with on your way back from work while heading home.

The one you sleep with when you are on a business trip and your 'wife' (I use the term loosely) does not know.

The one you sleep with when your wife is not home.

The one you only think of when you are horny.

The one you know will always pick your call.

My favourite one is, the one your girlfriend does not mind you sleeping with as long as 'she' is 'he'.

I am tired of being the other woman.

It is vile, unclean and completely shrouded in dishonesty and darkness.

I am tired of men telling me over and over again, right after they sleep with me, what a wonderful person I am and how insane it is that I am not in a wonderful relationship with some fantastic man.

Well, I have no fucking idea either.

And I ask myself this question every single fucking day.

All I know is, playing the 'other woman' is psychologically damaging beyond even my comprehension.

It is deadly.

I don't care if you are gay and so deep in the closet you can't find your way out.

I don't care if you are gay and so deep in the closet and that your father was a strict, patriarchal creep who pressured you to get married and now you think it is ok to have sex with men while still being married.

I don't care if you are gay and so deep in the closet but are obsessed with social acceptance that comes with being married to a woman, that you actually marry a woman.

I don't care if you are gay and so deep in the closet and you are self-hating homo with a 19thC understanding of human psychology and sexuality.

I don't care if you are gay and so deep in the closet you haven't heard that yes surprise surprise men can actually have meaningful relationship with other men just like they do with women.

I don't care if you are gay, stuck in a relationship with a man you are no longer in love and so you give yourself the right to go and sleep around without him knowing.

I don't care if you are gay and are in a meaningful relationship with a man and think that sleeping around with others is ok without making this little, simple fact clear to them.

I don't care.

Not because I cannot sympathize with any of the above situations, some of them might have a very logical pattern of behaviour, that while not justifiable, is understandable.

But I can understand it as a psychologist, a therapist, a third party observer, but I can not understand it while you are lying naked over me, telling me that, oops, you have a boyfriend.

I can't understand it then.

Yes I should have some self-control, a little bit of integrity and whatever dignity and decency left, kick you from on top of me, or run out of your apartment, or put my clothes on and shove you out of my way, but I didn't.

I let you stay on top of me. I didn't run out of your apartment. I didn't put my clothes on.

I was way too tired to be dragged around and played with.

I am not fantastic or great or anything. And I don't want to have your baby or for you to buy me a diamond ring.

All I wanted is some fucking honesty and a hint of respect.

Or has that even become too much to ask?