Contemporaries IV
The time has come to switch to polyphonic writing once again. I have
asked more friends and compatriots to share with me their experiences
and stories and was very pleasantly surprised by the response I got.
Especially the writer of this post.
She is my own little duckling, who I got to know so long ago, I can't even remember when. She is not only a fiercely intelligent bitch who can hold her own, but her uncanny sense of humor and irony is surprising and hilarious. She is a shrewd observer of the human condition, something she is deeply occupied with, and despite the apparent sarcasm, her compassion to her fellow mankind is both endearing and inspirational.
She has long been a companion in my long journey of awkwardness, and she not only sympathized but also identified with it in much more complex and sometimes less colourful ways.
Like wild ducks, she surprised me one day by spreading those beautiful wings and flying north, home.
And across seas and faraway land, she decided to share with all of us her story, her insight and the wisdom that belies her twenty and seven years.
Without further ado, here are the words of one wise duckling.
Thoughts on Sexual Conduct
" Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly or giving my boyfriend a blowjob? "
This line from "Girl Interrupted" has always been my line of defense against any reproach on my sexual conduct, from others or from my own self. For the past years I have firmly believed and advocated that people should indulge in sexual pleasure, free from the boundaries of commitment and narrow-minded morality.
Not that I ranked particularly high, according the standards of our community, in terms of frequency of encounters or multitude of partners, and that, I constantly and strongly told my shrink, much like Winona Ryder did in the movie.
But, aside from the romanticised view of mental disease and the evil depiction of shrinks, the fact is that, in the movie, Winona had borderline personality disorder, and that should have made me realize that, taking her as a role model of proper behavior wasn't really the smartest thing to do.
I don't know how I came to these ideas about sex, was it my natural inclination? Was it a way to rebel against the norms of a society and a religion that refused to accept me and embrace me for what I am? Was it the influence of my first and only real love, a much older and much more sexually-active man? Regardless of its origin, my conduct was definitely not restrained by my surroundings; in a community where being able to bed as many hot guys as possible is seen as the greatest of achievements, where it is only natural to have random sex, in a community that has watched Sex and the City at least 3 times and that relates, at varying degrees, to its heroines, and that for the most, believes that it is not only right, but desirable even, to have lots of sex with lots of partners before (and most often, during and after as well) finding the Mr Right, I find it no wonder that I haven't questioned this belief earlier.
But, at seven and twenty, after seven good years of thinking and acting that way, all I am left with is a dysfunctional attachment to an emotionally-abusive, older, married man, and an incurable infection; obviously not a great outcome.
Observing my friends, I realize that they aren't in a much better situations, the drive behind their promiscuity (or desire of it) may vary; from a boring habit, to a way of coping with different kinds of pressure, to a defense mechanism from fear of being hurt, to a means of inspiring admiration, jealousy or regret in other(s); yet the outcome is invariably the same; years go by, countless sexual partners accumulate, and still they are left alone and often time, unhappy.
So what exactly went wrong?
This post has no answers to give or pearls of wisdom to share, on the contrary, the whole point behind it is raising some questions that have been crossing my mind ever since I was forced to change my lifestyle and to think back at my own, as well as others', choices, values and conduct for the past years.
So here goes;
1. What drives our sexual conduct? how much of the sex we have is out of sheer desire and how much is it motivated by other factors? In being so liberal in our sexual lives, are we really breaking free from the moral boundaries of a bigoted society or are we simply, blindly conforming to a different set of rules that our community dictates?
2. At which point do we cross the line between being sexually active and plain promiscuous? Is our community placing that line where it should be? Is putting restrictions on our sexual conduct, be them moral, religious, social or other, such a great evil?
3. How does our sexual conduct affect our chances of forming a meaningful relationship? Is an easy going, try-a-car-before-buying-it approach with guys we date, really the best way around? Is the notion of delaying sex until a proper commitment between 2 people has been officially established such an outdated one? Or could it be that, our carefree attitude towards sex is actually undermining our chances of finding a life partner?
And lastly, and most importantly; considering that the final goal of most our endeavours, sexual conduct being no exception, is attaining happiness and satisfaction the question is : is this really the case? Is our sexual conduct really giving us what we want? What is the price we pay for it and is it a price worth paying? In short, is our sexual conduct really making us any happier?
She is my own little duckling, who I got to know so long ago, I can't even remember when. She is not only a fiercely intelligent bitch who can hold her own, but her uncanny sense of humor and irony is surprising and hilarious. She is a shrewd observer of the human condition, something she is deeply occupied with, and despite the apparent sarcasm, her compassion to her fellow mankind is both endearing and inspirational.
She has long been a companion in my long journey of awkwardness, and she not only sympathized but also identified with it in much more complex and sometimes less colourful ways.
Like wild ducks, she surprised me one day by spreading those beautiful wings and flying north, home.
And across seas and faraway land, she decided to share with all of us her story, her insight and the wisdom that belies her twenty and seven years.
Without further ado, here are the words of one wise duckling.
Thoughts on Sexual Conduct
" Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly or giving my boyfriend a blowjob? " This line from "Girl Interrupted" has always been my line of defense against any reproach on my sexual conduct, from others or from my own self. For the past years I have firmly believed and advocated that people should indulge in sexual pleasure, free from the boundaries of commitment and narrow-minded morality.
Not that I ranked particularly high, according the standards of our community, in terms of frequency of encounters or multitude of partners, and that, I constantly and strongly told my shrink, much like Winona Ryder did in the movie.
But, aside from the romanticised view of mental disease and the evil depiction of shrinks, the fact is that, in the movie, Winona had borderline personality disorder, and that should have made me realize that, taking her as a role model of proper behavior wasn't really the smartest thing to do.
I don't know how I came to these ideas about sex, was it my natural inclination? Was it a way to rebel against the norms of a society and a religion that refused to accept me and embrace me for what I am? Was it the influence of my first and only real love, a much older and much more sexually-active man? Regardless of its origin, my conduct was definitely not restrained by my surroundings; in a community where being able to bed as many hot guys as possible is seen as the greatest of achievements, where it is only natural to have random sex, in a community that has watched Sex and the City at least 3 times and that relates, at varying degrees, to its heroines, and that for the most, believes that it is not only right, but desirable even, to have lots of sex with lots of partners before (and most often, during and after as well) finding the Mr Right, I find it no wonder that I haven't questioned this belief earlier.
But, at seven and twenty, after seven good years of thinking and acting that way, all I am left with is a dysfunctional attachment to an emotionally-abusive, older, married man, and an incurable infection; obviously not a great outcome.
Observing my friends, I realize that they aren't in a much better situations, the drive behind their promiscuity (or desire of it) may vary; from a boring habit, to a way of coping with different kinds of pressure, to a defense mechanism from fear of being hurt, to a means of inspiring admiration, jealousy or regret in other(s); yet the outcome is invariably the same; years go by, countless sexual partners accumulate, and still they are left alone and often time, unhappy.
So what exactly went wrong?
This post has no answers to give or pearls of wisdom to share, on the contrary, the whole point behind it is raising some questions that have been crossing my mind ever since I was forced to change my lifestyle and to think back at my own, as well as others', choices, values and conduct for the past years.
So here goes;
1. What drives our sexual conduct? how much of the sex we have is out of sheer desire and how much is it motivated by other factors? In being so liberal in our sexual lives, are we really breaking free from the moral boundaries of a bigoted society or are we simply, blindly conforming to a different set of rules that our community dictates?
2. At which point do we cross the line between being sexually active and plain promiscuous? Is our community placing that line where it should be? Is putting restrictions on our sexual conduct, be them moral, religious, social or other, such a great evil?
3. How does our sexual conduct affect our chances of forming a meaningful relationship? Is an easy going, try-a-car-before-buying-it approach with guys we date, really the best way around? Is the notion of delaying sex until a proper commitment between 2 people has been officially established such an outdated one? Or could it be that, our carefree attitude towards sex is actually undermining our chances of finding a life partner?
And lastly, and most importantly; considering that the final goal of most our endeavours, sexual conduct being no exception, is attaining happiness and satisfaction the question is : is this really the case? Is our sexual conduct really giving us what we want? What is the price we pay for it and is it a price worth paying? In short, is our sexual conduct really making us any happier?
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