Awkward Masculinity?
I think parochial, limited, something narrow and restricted. When I think of the set of ideas and notions people create in order to establish an order of things, a predictable pattern of behavior that is intelligible and that they can deal with, how this pattern becomes a dogma, a scared truth, ordained by an almost metaphysical authority, when I think of that, I can't help but feel how unfair the human mind and psyche can be.
But all this might just be an elaborate cover, for my indiscriminate judgment. If I don't listen to the sound of my better judgment, and face the consequences of what I know was coming, why should I run to an illusive space and rationalize my own incompetence and misjudgment.
If a number of men believe and have the solid conviction that a certain behavior and attitude towards masculinity is the only acceptable and legitimate attitude , and that anything else is a "heresy" and in this sense this heresy is demonized in strictly feminine terms, as if femininity is something dark, unclean and evil, why should I then be surprised if I was demonized too?
Can someone be accused of "gender incompetence"? Could be there such a charge?
I mean someone like me, I preach progressive understanding and tolerance towards difference, but once put in a position where my own self, my own gendered self, is put to the test, I run backstage, aghast at my medieval audience, thinking what is wrong with my "performance"?
Have I not performed my "gender" in ways that are acceptable, intelligible, desirable even?
Have I not presented myself in a way that is neutral, almost, so I can "fit", so I don't run the risk of being ostracized?
I think its this fear, this fear of being shunned, that drives almost everyone to cower in, give in and ever so inconspicuously, alter and change their "identities". Little by little. To make it more palatable, more comprehensible.
Yet, of all the people, I marvel at my own insecurities, my own obsessions with image and social decorum, of things I thought I was liberated from. Things that no longer enslaved my mind or psyche.
But obviously they do. And it takes one wrong judgment and someone completely uncritical to shatter this fragile mask, the so-called gender liberation.
But all this might just be an elaborate cover, for my indiscriminate judgment. If I don't listen to the sound of my better judgment, and face the consequences of what I know was coming, why should I run to an illusive space and rationalize my own incompetence and misjudgment.
If a number of men believe and have the solid conviction that a certain behavior and attitude towards masculinity is the only acceptable and legitimate attitude , and that anything else is a "heresy" and in this sense this heresy is demonized in strictly feminine terms, as if femininity is something dark, unclean and evil, why should I then be surprised if I was demonized too?
Can someone be accused of "gender incompetence"? Could be there such a charge?
I mean someone like me, I preach progressive understanding and tolerance towards difference, but once put in a position where my own self, my own gendered self, is put to the test, I run backstage, aghast at my medieval audience, thinking what is wrong with my "performance"?
Have I not performed my "gender" in ways that are acceptable, intelligible, desirable even?
Have I not presented myself in a way that is neutral, almost, so I can "fit", so I don't run the risk of being ostracized?
I think its this fear, this fear of being shunned, that drives almost everyone to cower in, give in and ever so inconspicuously, alter and change their "identities". Little by little. To make it more palatable, more comprehensible.
Yet, of all the people, I marvel at my own insecurities, my own obsessions with image and social decorum, of things I thought I was liberated from. Things that no longer enslaved my mind or psyche.
But obviously they do. And it takes one wrong judgment and someone completely uncritical to shatter this fragile mask, the so-called gender liberation.
Comments
I hope you continue writing, and never stop this blog.
Cheers, K.
If someone isn't prepared to accept your idea of masculinity and you discovered that early on then the laugh is on him. In time he'll think differently and see what he's missed. If you've seen through his facade of 'maturity' early on then say hurray, you can move on.
Thats my two pennies worth.