Disturbia
This is not a typical post where I describe a particular setting and reveal to the readers the inner workings of our delightful community.
Its more of a personal epiphany if you may.
A realization, however, that can only take place within this setting, with these very same individuals who constitute, our so-called community.
And that is highly fragmented and uneven.
Our Patron Saints of Fantastic Parties, devised an elaborate scheme to give us a ball. Literally.
And a ball we had, disco ones as well, and many of them too.
Suspended from all over the ceiling.
Shining and flickering like some strange magical lamp.
And as I sipped on my poison, in dosages not recommended by the FDA and will not please my hepatologist, I was confronted repeatedly by my past, the choices I made, the actions I did, and the people I knew and my present, the present moment, the present present of my presence, and I was struck by how far I came from the angry chick with issues to the docile, alcoholic vagabond that I am now.
I slowly traced how my Victorian morality was put to the test, and how the margin between what is prescribed and what is applied became very clear, amidst my alcoholic-induced mental haze.
Perhaps the only thing that was actually clear, was this discrepancy.
What is right?
What do people think is right?
How should people act?
How can we judge someone's action as being right or wrong?
And we can argue Virtue Ethics, Consequentialism, Deontology and I would still be at loss of how to judge my own actions presently and in retrospect or those of the people around me.
Is there such a thing as an open relationship? Is it possible to have multiple sexual partners at the same time? Is it possible to desire an infinite number of sexual partners equally? What constitutes desire? And can we control it or understand it?
How do we relate to others? How do we define this relationship in reference to the people around us? Is it a process of negotiation or again a presumed, non-disclosed agreement that we are aware of by our intuition and emotions?
And I stood there, in the midst of the arena, and I scanned the space populated by such varied and heterogeneous individuals, and there it was, those who made me question the meaning and boundaries of desire, and whether or not fucking is not a completely mental action, or rather transaction?
And how do condition ourselves to think someone is attractive or not?
And our own feelings of possessiveness or jealousy.
The limits of our own desirability.
Now that is the bitterest of all poisons.
The green-eyed monster, that started me right in the face, and almost brought me to tears.
I could taste the bitterness and the vehemence of my own emotion.
It was disturbing, in a non-glamorous, Rihana kind of way.
Are we attractive as far as we think we are?
Or is it, anyone is attractive in the right outfit?
Or with the right personal trainer we all look good?
I have dwelled for a long time on the nature and different forms of alliances and friendships we form in our so-called community.
It has long fascinated me.
The matrix of social, economic, cultural and religious vectors that comprise such a matrix and how they dictate the kind, duration and the very nature of these relationships and friendships.
And we constantly re-invent ourselves, in the Temple of Fast Paced Consummerism, our High Priestess being Madonna, one season our hair is black and we are Hindu, the next our hair is Strawberry Blond and we are Jewish, elapsing decades needed for training and understand the very labels we adopt and drop along the way.
And as we transform, our fellow worshipers change too.
I currently worship at the Temple of the Self-Professed Queen, with the disco ball as our emblem, and Hip-Hop and R&B as our sacred music.
As I was fucking my knees "praying" (i.e. executing half-interesting dance moves using the wrong body parts), thinking it is all more of mystery religion/cult of pre-Christian world, with complex process of initiation and the same orgistic rituals.
Of course without the anticipated enlightenment or ecstatic revelations of the mystery cults.
Its more of a personal epiphany if you may.
A realization, however, that can only take place within this setting, with these very same individuals who constitute, our so-called community.
And that is highly fragmented and uneven.
Our Patron Saints of Fantastic Parties, devised an elaborate scheme to give us a ball. Literally.
And a ball we had, disco ones as well, and many of them too.
Suspended from all over the ceiling.
Shining and flickering like some strange magical lamp.
And as I sipped on my poison, in dosages not recommended by the FDA and will not please my hepatologist, I was confronted repeatedly by my past, the choices I made, the actions I did, and the people I knew and my present, the present moment, the present present of my presence, and I was struck by how far I came from the angry chick with issues to the docile, alcoholic vagabond that I am now.
I slowly traced how my Victorian morality was put to the test, and how the margin between what is prescribed and what is applied became very clear, amidst my alcoholic-induced mental haze.
Perhaps the only thing that was actually clear, was this discrepancy.
What is right?
What do people think is right?
How should people act?
How can we judge someone's action as being right or wrong?
And we can argue Virtue Ethics, Consequentialism, Deontology and I would still be at loss of how to judge my own actions presently and in retrospect or those of the people around me.
Is there such a thing as an open relationship? Is it possible to have multiple sexual partners at the same time? Is it possible to desire an infinite number of sexual partners equally? What constitutes desire? And can we control it or understand it?
How do we relate to others? How do we define this relationship in reference to the people around us? Is it a process of negotiation or again a presumed, non-disclosed agreement that we are aware of by our intuition and emotions?
And I stood there, in the midst of the arena, and I scanned the space populated by such varied and heterogeneous individuals, and there it was, those who made me question the meaning and boundaries of desire, and whether or not fucking is not a completely mental action, or rather transaction?
And how do condition ourselves to think someone is attractive or not?
And our own feelings of possessiveness or jealousy.
The limits of our own desirability.
Now that is the bitterest of all poisons.
The green-eyed monster, that started me right in the face, and almost brought me to tears.
I could taste the bitterness and the vehemence of my own emotion.
It was disturbing, in a non-glamorous, Rihana kind of way.
Are we attractive as far as we think we are?
Or is it, anyone is attractive in the right outfit?
Or with the right personal trainer we all look good?
I have dwelled for a long time on the nature and different forms of alliances and friendships we form in our so-called community.
It has long fascinated me.
The matrix of social, economic, cultural and religious vectors that comprise such a matrix and how they dictate the kind, duration and the very nature of these relationships and friendships.
And we constantly re-invent ourselves, in the Temple of Fast Paced Consummerism, our High Priestess being Madonna, one season our hair is black and we are Hindu, the next our hair is Strawberry Blond and we are Jewish, elapsing decades needed for training and understand the very labels we adopt and drop along the way.
And as we transform, our fellow worshipers change too.
I currently worship at the Temple of the Self-Professed Queen, with the disco ball as our emblem, and Hip-Hop and R&B as our sacred music.
As I was fucking my knees "praying" (i.e. executing half-interesting dance moves using the wrong body parts), thinking it is all more of mystery religion/cult of pre-Christian world, with complex process of initiation and the same orgistic rituals.
Of course without the anticipated enlightenment or ecstatic revelations of the mystery cults.
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