Kiki is Plan B
Some dreams are best left forgotten, unconjured, unrevisited. Deserted at the nooks and crannies of our mind.
For we are never sure how did those dreams ever come to be and whether what those dreams entail truly represents us or our utmost deep, I would say feared, desires.
So my forbidden dreams lay to rest somewhere forgotten and not so forgotten and while they appear ever so slight, from behind, from beneath, from within, vague and obscure they do flicker. Every now and then.
And when they do, the dull flame that animates them, revives those feelings and unfolds a whole chain of thoughts and ideas.
"What if?", "Why not?", "How come"?, "What the fuck was I thinking?"
And a wave after the other of bitter remorse and strangled hopes wash over oneself. Fate has strung threads and threads of an exquisite tapestry of pain.
And one stands helpless, because one does not want to "go there". "Go there" to this place and look at this fantastic configuration of people and things. Where if we question, if we dare to question anything we threaten to unsettle the system. Destabilize whatever balance these people, we happen to care about so much, have reached or chose to set.
And while forbidden dreams (Reves Interdites on this blog)were once a secret reality, they are now in the open, and the gentleman who inspired them came to be aware of those very fleeting, impossible thoughts.
But its not to be, its not meant to be, the gentleman gave his heart to someone else. Someone I care about more than anything else in this world.
And while the eccentric morbid queen was left to resolve one of the worst moral dilemmas she has ever been through, Kiki managed to come in and still be "plan B".
For our gentleman did not do the honorable thing at first. He stalled and dragged and went back and forth before admitting he actually is in love. Too late? Maybe.
But after too many drinks at another expat party, and over too much fried chicken, trying to beat the intoxication, he admitted that if it didn't work out, then Kiki is plan B.
Because she is easy and low maintenance.
Not only was I horrified by the choice, that again this gentleman chose someone I deeply care about, he would rather consider the thought of being with anyone else but me.
And while this was a blow to my fragile and not so fragile ego and it was yet another individual from the male sex he would rather take to the next highway because I am a "class on my own".
Well, it won't be the last time men say I am scary or intimidating. Or "too much work", thats my favorite one actually.
But I really felt like some crazy, psychotic chick, with hormones going through the roof and at the brink of a total nervous breakdown.
And while Kiki is furious she's considered plan B for a "frog", as she calls it, I couldn't help but reflect on the choices men take and how this in turn affects "us".
The "class of our own" individuals.
This gentleman picked the two most important people in my life, one to love and the other for a plan B and even another friend for an exit plan if all else fails, and never hesitated for a second to exclude me, and do it so in public repeatedly I must add, from any intimate arrangement, even if it was fictional.
Sweet Mother of Mercy! How far would a man go to avoid dealing with complexity?
Its not that I am not aware of my own complexity and how difficult it is to be around me, the eccentric morbid title did not come from nothing, but for once I thought if one gentleman got to be close enough, for long enough, without running for the door first, I would not be judged so harshly.
It was such a blow in many ways than one.
And reinforced my deepest fears that I will never be rightly "understood", or "seen" or "acknowledged". Kiki will always be plan B if not the first and the last choice for the despicable male sex.
For we are never sure how did those dreams ever come to be and whether what those dreams entail truly represents us or our utmost deep, I would say feared, desires.
So my forbidden dreams lay to rest somewhere forgotten and not so forgotten and while they appear ever so slight, from behind, from beneath, from within, vague and obscure they do flicker. Every now and then.
And when they do, the dull flame that animates them, revives those feelings and unfolds a whole chain of thoughts and ideas.
"What if?", "Why not?", "How come"?, "What the fuck was I thinking?"
And a wave after the other of bitter remorse and strangled hopes wash over oneself. Fate has strung threads and threads of an exquisite tapestry of pain.
And one stands helpless, because one does not want to "go there". "Go there" to this place and look at this fantastic configuration of people and things. Where if we question, if we dare to question anything we threaten to unsettle the system. Destabilize whatever balance these people, we happen to care about so much, have reached or chose to set.
And while forbidden dreams (Reves Interdites on this blog)were once a secret reality, they are now in the open, and the gentleman who inspired them came to be aware of those very fleeting, impossible thoughts.
But its not to be, its not meant to be, the gentleman gave his heart to someone else. Someone I care about more than anything else in this world.
And while the eccentric morbid queen was left to resolve one of the worst moral dilemmas she has ever been through, Kiki managed to come in and still be "plan B".
For our gentleman did not do the honorable thing at first. He stalled and dragged and went back and forth before admitting he actually is in love. Too late? Maybe.
But after too many drinks at another expat party, and over too much fried chicken, trying to beat the intoxication, he admitted that if it didn't work out, then Kiki is plan B.
Because she is easy and low maintenance.
Not only was I horrified by the choice, that again this gentleman chose someone I deeply care about, he would rather consider the thought of being with anyone else but me.
And while this was a blow to my fragile and not so fragile ego and it was yet another individual from the male sex he would rather take to the next highway because I am a "class on my own".
Well, it won't be the last time men say I am scary or intimidating. Or "too much work", thats my favorite one actually.
But I really felt like some crazy, psychotic chick, with hormones going through the roof and at the brink of a total nervous breakdown.
And while Kiki is furious she's considered plan B for a "frog", as she calls it, I couldn't help but reflect on the choices men take and how this in turn affects "us".
The "class of our own" individuals.
This gentleman picked the two most important people in my life, one to love and the other for a plan B and even another friend for an exit plan if all else fails, and never hesitated for a second to exclude me, and do it so in public repeatedly I must add, from any intimate arrangement, even if it was fictional.
Sweet Mother of Mercy! How far would a man go to avoid dealing with complexity?
Its not that I am not aware of my own complexity and how difficult it is to be around me, the eccentric morbid title did not come from nothing, but for once I thought if one gentleman got to be close enough, for long enough, without running for the door first, I would not be judged so harshly.
It was such a blow in many ways than one.
And reinforced my deepest fears that I will never be rightly "understood", or "seen" or "acknowledged". Kiki will always be plan B if not the first and the last choice for the despicable male sex.
Comments
I mean there's a fine line between self acceptance and dwelling on ones own defects, maybe your hurt ego should just let go for a while and you might actually take the words of that gentleman seriously, and focus on why you appear so complex to people and how does that affect others instead of flaunting your being a "morbid queen" around and waiting/hoping for a special someone to just disregard that.
how about a new year's resolution? RELAX!