Existentialist moments in Berlin
Not that Berlin is infinitely a more lovely place, then Brussels, not that there are a hundred times more interesting people here. But I was confronted with some serious existentialist moments in this beautiful, formerly bifurcated city.
Unfortunately what happened in Berlin, stays in Berlin. It will not escape its walls and its magnificent flowing rivers.
But there are few things one is confronted with and they are worth being exposed in this space.
First of which is the diversity and the openness of "the scene" in Berlin. But thats quite understandable, in what is considered now the cultural capital of the world. Only such a place can be a host for colorful queens and the amount of attention they attract along the way.
It was such a relief and an absolute joy to discover the density of the gay population in Berlin. There is an audience for everyone. Even eccentric, morbid queens. And one can be whatever one wants to be and there is bound to be someone who is interested.
Something that is sorely missed in Cairo. And felt by everyone here.
There seems to be very limited, rigid categories, out of which you have no audience and no one is interested.
Thats what I personally miss the most about Berlin.
Of course next to the great cheap chocolate and amazing Asian food.
Its not that I caved in for the "exotic fantasy" of the Egyptian. And how all Berliners are just in love with Nefertiti. I am not Nefertiti, or even remotely connected to this part of history. But my"difference" was not demonized or eroticized. It might have been eroticized on one level, but that was not the primary attraction. Or at least thats what I like to think!
I mean I made sure that my difference would not be understood as the mysterious, savage native.
I did not play in to that fantasy.
And I do not want to be lost in this whole idea of "western emancipation" but I can not help but wonder about Cairo.
And the men in Cairo.
I was thinking all the time, that any meaningful relationship that I had was with westernized Egyptians, who had serious problems adjusting to their immediate environment. Not that I don't, but I try to make my peace with it.
But those gentlemen on the other hand couldn't, without radically altering their realities. Some left the country, some got married, some got in strange and awkward relationships with other westernized "subjects".
And I was left to ponder about the possibility of ever finding an Egyptian gentleman who will not taunt me with issues of masculinity, religion and culture.
And it felt incredibly sad that this possibility might never happen. This Egyptian gentleman might never exist or never want to exist, or never appear somewhere at some point in time. And I will have to settle for those nice, sweet German gentlemen who showed interest, healthy curiosity, and very flattering amount of attention.
But what if I want this Egyptian gentleman?
What if I want to be with an Egyptian gentleman?
Am I not entitled to be?
Am I not entitled to want to be?
Apparently I am not. I just can't help but wonder. Is that my so-called "destiny"? Should I resign myself to the fact that yes, there is no such thing as an eligible Egyptian gentleman?
And that the utmost I could hope for is some awkward moments with all kinds of awkward gentlemen in Cairo?
Unfortunately what happened in Berlin, stays in Berlin. It will not escape its walls and its magnificent flowing rivers.
But there are few things one is confronted with and they are worth being exposed in this space.
First of which is the diversity and the openness of "the scene" in Berlin. But thats quite understandable, in what is considered now the cultural capital of the world. Only such a place can be a host for colorful queens and the amount of attention they attract along the way.
It was such a relief and an absolute joy to discover the density of the gay population in Berlin. There is an audience for everyone. Even eccentric, morbid queens. And one can be whatever one wants to be and there is bound to be someone who is interested.
Something that is sorely missed in Cairo. And felt by everyone here.
There seems to be very limited, rigid categories, out of which you have no audience and no one is interested.
Thats what I personally miss the most about Berlin.
Of course next to the great cheap chocolate and amazing Asian food.
Its not that I caved in for the "exotic fantasy" of the Egyptian. And how all Berliners are just in love with Nefertiti. I am not Nefertiti, or even remotely connected to this part of history. But my"difference" was not demonized or eroticized. It might have been eroticized on one level, but that was not the primary attraction. Or at least thats what I like to think!
I mean I made sure that my difference would not be understood as the mysterious, savage native.
I did not play in to that fantasy.
And I do not want to be lost in this whole idea of "western emancipation" but I can not help but wonder about Cairo.
And the men in Cairo.
I was thinking all the time, that any meaningful relationship that I had was with westernized Egyptians, who had serious problems adjusting to their immediate environment. Not that I don't, but I try to make my peace with it.
But those gentlemen on the other hand couldn't, without radically altering their realities. Some left the country, some got married, some got in strange and awkward relationships with other westernized "subjects".
And I was left to ponder about the possibility of ever finding an Egyptian gentleman who will not taunt me with issues of masculinity, religion and culture.
And it felt incredibly sad that this possibility might never happen. This Egyptian gentleman might never exist or never want to exist, or never appear somewhere at some point in time. And I will have to settle for those nice, sweet German gentlemen who showed interest, healthy curiosity, and very flattering amount of attention.
But what if I want this Egyptian gentleman?
What if I want to be with an Egyptian gentleman?
Am I not entitled to be?
Am I not entitled to want to be?
Apparently I am not. I just can't help but wonder. Is that my so-called "destiny"? Should I resign myself to the fact that yes, there is no such thing as an eligible Egyptian gentleman?
And that the utmost I could hope for is some awkward moments with all kinds of awkward gentlemen in Cairo?
Comments